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"Say Hi to Jesus For Me": Chapter 18 |
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Why must I look at Todd’s pictures to remember every detail of his features? And what did he smell like? I forgot! What was it he used to say that was so cute? His voice…I could no longer readily remember its tone! But how could I not remember! How could I betray my son like that? It seemed that forgetting was a second death. I couldn’t allow it! I had to hang on! Slowly and gently, God was lowering me down from my protective cloud. He took me by the hand and helped me experience the valley that I must pass through. Just about the time I patted myself on the back and let go of Jesus’ hand ("Thank you, Lord, I think I can take it from here"), I fell flat on my face and wound up sobbing out my grief. At times the thought of living many years here on earth without Todd seemed unbearable. How I longed to be in heaven with him. Even Niqua felt that way. "Why can’t I be in heaven with Toddy? Why didn’t he take me with him?" I identified with Paul when he said: "For me to live is Christ; to die is gain." |
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 Dutch had done well in choosing the plot at Forest Lawn. I found much comfort in sitting there and pouring out my heart to the Lord. "God’s little garden: You plant your loved ones and watch the seed of life come forth from the witness of their life and passing."
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Slowly, even as we shared our grief, healing came. Somehow we sensed that grief harbored in our hearts, unreleased, would crush us. As we reached out to share other people’s burdens, God lifted ours. With the assurance that God never says no unless he has a better plan, we grew expectant to learn what that better plan was and to be a part of it. |
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Then one day the umbilical cord was cut. I set Todd free. In place of guilt over forgotten memories, I felt profound gratitude for having been allowed to share Todd’s life and having been a vessel used to show the glory and mighty power of God. I released Todd from being my son to being a child of God.
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